As much as I thought I’d shed that layer of skin, I’m still a people pleaser at heart. I keep carrying the weight of expectations others might have of me, and placing them all onto myself. When will I finally start pleasing myself and let go of this? When will I make my opinion of my life the priority, instead of everyone else’s?

But maybe it’s not only me who can set me free. Not on my own at least. It’s also my surroundings — the people who need to let go of the idea of me that I can’t, and don’t want to, become. Sometimes that means creating distance with loved ones. Sometimes it means cutting ties for good.

I hope this relationship that’s on hold for the moment will come alive again — once I’ve found the place where I can be still and content. Once I stop running.
What gives me reassurance is knowing everything is temporary. I‘m stuck in a low – it‘s temporary. I‘m riding a high – it‘s temporary. This too shall pass.
And maybe sometimes distance can even be a restart, if both hearts are open to nurture and grow what remains of the relationship.

At first, it just hurts. Why would people love me close down, shut me out? It feels like being stabbed in the back – like a betrayal. Like being abandoned in the moment I needed them most.
Aren’t you supposed to be the ones that are always there? You brought me into this world – aren’t you still somewhat responsible for me?

Short answer: No. And that‘s one of the healthiest boundaries I have ever experienced.
At some point, I grew up. I gained autonomy, freedom, independence – and with that responsibility (for myself).

I didn’t realize how much my restlessness affects the people closest to me. When I call for advice again and again. When I cry over the phone not knowing what to do with my life. When they watch me suffer from a distance, powerless to do anything but offer words. Eventually, they don’t know anymore how to help, which advice to give — and so they stop trying. They step away for their own well-being, for their own mental health.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the kindest: to set someone free. To walk away. To let go. To stop trying.

Weirdly enough, once I worked through the downside of it and the whirlwind of emotions, I felt a sense of freedom. The weight of their expectations lifted off my shoulders. Like I could breathe again. Like borders had disappeared, suddenly leaving so much room to think and to wonder.

That’s what mom and paps did. They set me free. It breaks my heart, and at the same time, I understand. Love sometimes looks like stepping back, trusting me to stumble my way forward.
It’s what I needed. It’s what they needed. And this too shall pass.

I wanted their advice, but I hated their influence. I wanted their love, but couldn’t carry the weight of their expectations. Moving forward, I have to make decisions on my own — rooted in my goals, values, dreams, and ideas. Not everyone will like the path I choose, but that’s okay. Live and let live, right?

This whole situation reminds me of the storyline of Beautiful Boy. Some things in life no one can fix for us. They are the things we must figure out on our own. And maybe it’s a blessing — to be given the space and freedom to do exactly that.

Until we meet again, dear.