I know roads can be bumpy. This time I didn’t just hit a pothole, I got lost in one. It wasn’t dramatic. No crash. No explosion. No fires. No witnesses. Just one conversation where everything I thought was solid suddenly wasn’t anymore. I sought answers to questions I didn’t dare to ask. And filled gaps with assumptions of the worst kind. I spiralled down so far, I don‘t know when I‘ll make it back out again. I thought I was further along in this journey, though it seems as if there‘s a lot more to overcome. This doesn‘t just feel like two steps back, it‘s more like I fell down a couple of staircases and don’t know how to climb back up.

Or maybe this is one of the biggest realizations and with that a huge step in the right direction – it just doesn’t feel like it in the moment.

In all honesty, I never thought I‘d say this: my self-independence and autonomy feel like a mask – a charade – a thick layer of walls, a self-defense mechanism.

And it needs to come down.

If I don‘t let anybody in, I won‘t get hurt, right? But on the other side, I also won‘t create any close connections or stable relationships at all. When all the little girl inside of me wants exactly this. She just wants to be understood and taken care of.

And I‘m tired of taking care of myself. I’m tired of doing life on my own. I‘m way better in a community, in a relationship. As hard as it is to admit, I can‘t give myself the safe space I need to grow further – I need someone else to help create it.

I‘ve grown a lot in isolation, for the next step I need to grow in connection.

I‘m not asking to be saved. I’m asking to be chosen, even as the beautiful mess I am. I‘m asking to share the load of the drive ahead.

Keeping these walls up takes all the energy and air I have left in me. I don‘t just want love. I need it. I crave it. It‘s oxygen to me – and I haven’t been breathing properly for over a year now. I‘m deprived in all ways imaginable. And I can start to sense other functions failing because of the deficit.

Who am I without these walls?
How can I let someone in, if I‘m so scared of getting hurt again?
Will a broken heart ever really mend?
Has the whole world gone cold?
When did it become a good thing to hide your emotions?

Maybe the mistake is looking for love in the same place I lost it, over and again.
Maybe the mistake is thinking for every ounce of love I give, I receive it back. When love should be given freely without any strings attached.

I love someone, so be it. They probably deserve it. But when will it be my time to deserve someone‘s attention and love? Or am I running away from the ones who are trying to give it to me? Why do I have my heart and mind set on someone who wants me to let go?

What would choosing myself look like in this situation? Am I going for what I want – am I chasing my dreams? Or will I be betting on the safer route?
Which direction should I turn?

It feels like I‘m in the middle of the storm. Something big is about to happen. And all I want is a bit of guidance. A bit of support and love.

Until we meet again, I‘ll keep on living and loving.
Deep breath in, and exhale again. Ready.