You win some, you lose some
Leaving home — travelling — has given me more of myself, more of the world.
I gained awareness and openness to things that had never crossed my mind before.
I found confidence in myself and the world, while also learning, in a humbling way, how small I am within it.
I got to know many versions of myself. I lived through them — some I loved, some I was glad to part ways with again.
I would never wish to have missed the joy or the pain of it all, or the growth journey it sent me on.
But travelling also took something from me.
I lost my sense of home.
I lost my anchor — and with it, a clear sense of belonging.
Parts of me are scattered all over the globe now, in different places, with different people.
My roots haven’t changed, though — and for that, I’m deeply grateful. They are the closest thing to an anchor I still have.
Home, however, can be anywhere for me now. I built one wherever I went — it’s no longer tied to one singular person or place.
Still, my body knows.
It knows when I’m in the wrong environment.
When I’m in the wrong place.
When I’m not with the person I should be — or maybe when I’m not the person I should be.
A sensation rises then, and I once wrote a poem about it:
THIS FEELING
I GREATLY DISLIKE IT
THE PRESSURE BEHIND MY STERNUM
THE ACHING HOLE JUST ABOVE MY HEART
THE SUDDEN SENSE OF SOMETHING MISSING
THE SUDDEN SENSE OF BEING IN THE WRONG PLACE
AND I CAN’T SOOTHE IT
ONLY COMES TO THE SURFACE IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS
AND I DON’T HAVE ANY POWER OVER IT
BUT I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE
I NEVER HAD THIS FEELING WITH YOU — NOT ONCE
INSTEAD YOU GAVE ME INNER PEACE
CALMED MY OTHERWISE STORMY MIND
YOU GAVE ME A SENSE OF BELONGING — TO YOU
A SENSE OF BEING IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME
THEN YOU TOOK IT AWAY
AND LEFT ME WITH THIS UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING AGAIN
NOW I FEEL MORE LOST THAN BEFORE I MET YOU
NOW THE HOLE IN MY CHEST KEEPS GROWING BIGGER
HERE I AM
BATTLING A WAR BY MYSELF WHICH YOU COULD HAVE ENDED
FOR GOOD
I think what I’m slowly realizing is this:
with every win, something is lost.
With every choice, something else is left behind.
To reach for something new is to loosen your grip on something familiar.
Every beginning carries an ending with it.
And endings — even the painful ones — are usually necessary.
They just don’t feel like it at the time.
And if I’m honest, I don’t always let go easily.
Maybe it’s the comfort of the past.
Maybe it’s the fear of the future.
Maybe it’s the quiet belief that I don’t deserve something better.
Sometimes, in my head, it feels easier to return to old ways than to move forward into uncertainty — even if that uncertainty holds the possibility of something brighter.
That doesn’t mean people are meant to stay in our past forever, signed and sealed. But I do believe that some connections don’t disappear completely.
Maybe it’s true that you meet certain people twice.
Or maybe that’s just the hopeless romantic in me — still hoping.
I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I can’t bring everything from the past into my future — not all versions of me. Not all the people and places I’ve learned to love. Not all the ideas and dreams I once had.
I need to leave some things behind and get excited about what — and who — will be in my future.
And just remember: you win some, you lose some — that’s life.
Until we meet again, keep on winning.