The beginning of..
Because how am I supposed to know if it‘s the right decision? The right turn? The right train?
It seems as with every first step there‘s lots of uncertainty.
It seems with every first step you have to take a leap of faith.
But once I take that leap – once I have the courage and strength to push the first domino in some direction (I’ll figure out later if it was the right one or not), there’s no stopping the motion.
And sometimes, that’s all I want to do — stop it. I don’t know what I was thinking in the first place.
Now it’s all going too fast, too quickly, and I’m just a little bit overwhelmed.
These are just my feelings and thoughts, spinning. Especially, if there‘s a decision to make.
At the same time I will be the one to think about any possible outcome.
Then I get impatient, because nothing has changed yet.
So my brain has to jump into action.
That‘s why I make decisions mostly impulsively. Because I’m tired of being stuck. Not moving forward.
Being in the same place too long — mentally and physically.
While at the same time I just want to settle down and call something “home”.
So I look for a quick change. A quick rush of adrenaline. Something to get my blood pumping, my heart feeling again.
I just need something to be different than before, no matter if it is actually helpful for the situation I am in or not.
I can deal with that later.
And when life gets too comfortable, too smooth? I’ll probably be the one to sabotage it.
Because I don’t know how to handle the peace.
Even though all I want is nothing more than peace and Quietness (- and me being comfortable with it).
There you go.
Now you definitely know me better than I did just a year ago.
That was full on, wasn’t it?
My impulse is trying to get me to say sorry — but I’m really not.
This is what it‘s like, up there, in my head.
The struggles. The worries. The 3am thoughts. There are also sunny parts. Of course.
All parts, flavours and colours included — free for you to enjoy.
And hopefully, you are able to take something away from it.
So get used to being stuck in my head for a change.
(I mean, clearly it’s not all going to happen within a year — this is a lifelong journey I’ve signed up for.)
I want to grow, develop, improve, and expand.
I want to make new, more secure connections — while holding onto the old ones that are still good for me.
I want to get to know myself better and become more content.
Ha — content.
As in “Content of Heart”.
But in a different meaning.
Or is it?
Maybe that helps you understand why I chose that name for my blog and social media in the first place.
Or maybe — have a listen to the song “Heart’s Content” by Brandi Carlile. That was a big influence too.
And that’s something you’ll have to get used to around here — I’ll probably give you a lot of music recommendations.
It’s just the way I roll. I have a song for nearly every situation I find myself in.
Music has been such a big part of my life — whether I’m listening to it, playing it, or creating it.
Honestly, I wouldn’t know how to live without it.
And I guess you’re here because you want to be part of it — this story, this energy, this process, this rollercoaster.
You want to see where it will take me (and maybe you). You want to see how many times I will turn my life upside down. You want to see how many times I will try to take a shortcut, but end up in the same place again – because there are no shortcuts in life and growth.
Well, you have just witnessed the first domino to fall.
The second one is already in motion.
No stopping it now.
So let me officially welcome you to the beginning of.. my rollercoaster —
on life, love, relationships, the ups and the downs.
And everything in between.
So long, keep growing. Until we meet again.