change
“I’m not afraid of change.”
It’s become a mantra of mine. (And maybe my way of living.)
I repeat it again and again:
I’m not afraid of change. I’m not afraid of change. I’m not afraid of change.
Right now, change is the only constant in my life.
And I think that’s a good thing.
It’s healthy.
It keeps me on my toes.
It challenges me.
It gives me room to grow.
And yet — I don’t always like it.
Sometimes I fight it so hard, I forget who I am.
I lose sight of my values. My goals.
Maybe I am scared of change, after all.
And as I mentioned in an earlier entry —
Sometimes I don’t even need or want change, but because I can’t handle the peace, I stir the pot anyway. Spice it up a little bit.
Self-sabotage.
I want change.
I want growth.
I want improvement.
Always.
Not just in me — but around me too.
The system I‘m stuck in. The places I live in. The people I‘m surrounded by.
I always notice the parts, which could be improved.
(To no one’s surprise — not everyone’s favorite trait.)
So how can I feel so torn in half?
Maybe it’s because I already know what I need to do to move forward…
But I’m just not there yet.
Not ready.
Not able to let go of the comfort zone I finally created for myself.
Afraid to lose it.
Afraid to throw everything up in the air again — even though I know it’s inevitable.
I know it‘s needed.
“Because growth only happens at the end of your comfort zone.”
– John Maxwell
And the truth?
It is time.
There’s no real reason to wait.
I could waste my energy, my time trying to fight what‘s coming anyway.
Or…
I could just let it come to me, without any resistance.
Save my resources.
Save myself a little bit.
Why am I afraid of change — why am I craving it?
I fear I think of change like I do my favorite sports — long distance running, road biking:
If I can endure this, nothing can break me.
A kind of proof that I‘m strong enough.
“Look at what I can do.”
“Look at what I‘ve gone through — at what I’ve accomplished.”
Even though I was the one who put me through it in the first place.
Sadly though, change will always happen — and if I don‘t shift my mindset, my relationship with it, I’ll stay stuck in the same loop.
Trying to prove myself… to an audience that’s just me.
I wonder what it would feel like to have nothing to prove.
To simply be worthy — just as I am.
To stop fighting myself.
And I do have days like that.
Moments.
Fleeting, but real.
Where I feel lighter.
More hopeful.
More at peace.
Imagine what I could accomplish if I lived in that state of mind more often.
If I let that be my foundation, not just my occasional refuge.
So I guess… the journey of growth continues.
The spiral goes on.
In the end, it will always be:
Myself against myself.
So long, keep growing. Until we meet again.